I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
