you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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