Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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