yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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