Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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