i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
