I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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