Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
