Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
