I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
