my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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