I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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