Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
