I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
