i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
