We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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