i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
