Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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