Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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