she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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