update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
