Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
