the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
