I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Found your dick twin last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize