I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
