Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
