Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize