My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
