I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
