he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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