i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
