just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
