Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
