my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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