I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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