We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
