how can u be prego again
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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