she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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