If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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