The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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