naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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