I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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