Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
