i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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