I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
