mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
