getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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