his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
