Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
