I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
