four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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