I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
