Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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