I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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