see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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