I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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