Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
