she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
